64%.

That is the percentage that Jenn will be alive in 10 years. Wow. The first time we have heard news like that. That came from the Oncologist today. And I wasn't there. I feel like shit. The one doctor's appointment I miss. The one I thought that it would just be getting the schedule set up for chemo and what the treatment will be. Then boom, he hits her with this bomb. It actually started out at 7%. That is the percent that she will be alive in 10 years if she does nothing. Add radiation, it ups it to about 24% and with chemo and radiation it brings it up to 64%. Pretty sobering news. Add to it the fact that if it ever comes back, it will be terminal as they can't apparently treat the same cancer twice as your body becomes immune to it. The good news that was presented was that if she does get through the 10 years, it is unlikely that it will come back at all. So, the only option is to get her through the next 10 years. I know with her age, her health and hopefully the cancer is nowhere else in her body and they got it all out, that number could increase substantially. She was very distraught as she was telling me this, as I think anyone would be, but she said she would give herself this night to cry but then that would be it. Nothing but positive thoughts after that. That's my girl...

Jenn - Update Part Deux

Hello everyone,
Jenn had her first doctor’s appointment(s) since the surgery on Wednesday and here is what came of them:

From the surgeon – Said the surgery was good. The tumor turned out to be about 4cm (or about 2 inches) in diameter so it was pretty big. He said the decision we made was good versus going the route to try and shrink the tumor and then save as much of the breast as possible was good because there were cancerous cells outside of the tumor and would have had to be removed anyway. He said they took about 5 glands out and that there are still cancerous cells in the armpit area that will probably need both radiation and chemo. We don’t know the schedules for the radiation yet (how often for how long) as she will have to see an oncologist sometime here in the near future to get that started. I basically asked if it looking good and he said the chest area looks good, that it would be better if there were no cancerous cells in the armpit but for what is in the armpit, it could be a lot worse. She will just basically have to keep a close eye on it from now on.

From the plastic surgeon – she got both tubes removed! I think she was most happy about that. She was thinking (hoping) maybe one would come out but both did. There wasn’t much more than that, he just wants to see her back next week sometime to check up on her again.

Today she got her appointments lined up (all 4 or 5 of them) with the oncologist, the surgeon, the plastic surgeon, etc.

I do want to say thank you again to everyone who has helped out her spirits with a card, e-mail, call, etc. during this time. You really don’t know how much it is appreciated by us both…

Jim and Jenn

Help.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

Jenn - Update #1

Jenn is home now and resting. The surgeries seemed to go well according to the doctor and the plastic surgeon. The doctor believes he got out all that he needed to (they had to remove a couple of glands that travel down to her armpit area as well) but he said the chest x-rays came back good. No spreading that he can tell (that was the conversation I was dreading to have with him). We ended up staying the night there as she kept getting a little light headed when she had to get up and walk around so we got out of Tallgrass around 10AM. She will go back to see both doctors next Wednesday and proceed from there. There is still a long road ahead before she will be given the all clear but she is a champ and I know she will come out on the other end just fine. We both want to thank everyone who called, sent a card, sent an e-mail or just said that they were thinking of her. It really means a lot to have such great friends in a time like this.

Jenn and Jim

Life is not fun right now.

We just got back from a great weekend in Great Bend playing in the softball tournament we go to every Mother's Day weekend. Jenn has been doing this since we met and has never complained to me once about doing so. Every year for 8 years now. I try to let her know how much I appreciate it but I probably don't do it often enough or well enough. The guys I play with are like brothers. I have been going to this tournament with the same guys for 13 years now. This one was kind of special. One of my teammates had a heart attack a little over a month ago. He was told he wouldn't be playing in the tournament this year. In the big scope of things, that shouldn't be a big deal. It's just a weekend of softball. But not to us. It is more than that. He made the trip and we got through the weekend, won the tournament and for a few days it got our minds off what was coming this week...Jenn's surgery. Then I come back to my computer and there is an IM from another buddy on the team that he is back in the hospital tonight. Turns out he will have open-heart surgery tomorrow. A double-bypass. Sometimes life just feels like a whirlwind and there is nothing you can do about it.

So much cancer.

It amazes me how many people that I have talked to since Jenn's diagnosis that know someone in their immediate family that has had breast cancer. Most have told me stories of their mom or sister having a mastectomy or a double mastectomy. The comforting part is that they are all living cancer-free now. Not one story of an unhappy ending. I also never noticed on TV how much the topic of cancer was raised until the diagnosis. I guess I can relate it to how you never notice how many people drive the same kind of car until you get a new one.

Last night was tough.

Last night was the first time since we first heard the news that Jenn broke down (at least in front of me). She is scared. So am I but I don't want to show that to her. All I could do is just hold her and let her know that everything will be alright. She has a great supporting cast which will help tremendously. I know she will pull through fine but the unknown is scary.

How are you today?

Four simple words you hear many times during the day...at the store, from friends. Four words I don't know how to answer anymore.

We have a date!

Finally, they have decided on May 17th as the date for the surgery. We are both glad to have something set in stone. Word is that it may even be done on an outpatient basis which means she could be home that night. That just doesn't seem right but the way medicine has advanced I guess anything is possible.

My Wife is a Champ.

Jenn is handling the situation like a champ so far. At least from the outside. She knows that if there is anything she needs to talk about she can certainly come to me and talk so hopefully she is not holding anything in. I think she's handling it better than I am and I don't know if I were in the same situation, I would be handling it as well. She has the "let's get this thing out and move on attitude" right now which is great.

Dr's appointments.

OK, I have some particulars now. We meet with Dr. Dunshee (the doctor) again tomorrow at 8:30AM. I don't imagine it will last long, it is just to go over some questions that we have and both of us really didn't catch the first time around from the shock value. Then on Thursday at 9:00AM we meet with the plastic surgeon. After that, they will try to coordinate a time that Dr. Dunshee and the plastic surgeon can be at the same place at the same time and surgery will probably take place early to mid next week.

Questions and answers about her current condition.

We really don't know too much. Questions have included:

Do they know how far along or how widespread it is? No, until they get in there, it isn't known. The doctor felt good that since there were no hardened area in her armpits (where the glands in the breat run back to) that it hasn't spread too much. The will do a dye test to see once they are in surgery to find out.

What route are you taking? At this point, and Jenn's initial reaction, was to have a mastectomy. There are ways they can try to save as much of the breast as possible but there is always the possibility of recurrence. That is a time bomb I do not think she wants to live with. Plus, they can do the reconstructive surgery at the same time with a plastic surgeon coming in once the first procedure is done to "fix things". We will know more tomorrow so I believe that is where I will leave the blog for tonight.

Family and friends.

In explaining to everyone our situation, they pass along that if we need anything to just let them know and they will be there. It is a great comfort knowing that. Offers are made to watch the kids for an afternoon or evening but at this point I think having the kids with us is a great comfort and gives us something to take our minds off the situation. Thank you to everyone who is thinking about us at this time.

My feelings.

Wow, where to begin. It still doesn't seem real at times. I am sure it will get all the more real tomorrow as we call the doctor's office and tell them which route we want to take. Then the process will be in motion and I have no idea how it will progress. I think that is the scariest part. The unknown. As far as my thoughts on Jenn it makes me feel bad about any time I ever disagreed with her on a subject, got mad about some petty money issue, and on and on. It also validates the felling that I love her more than anything and would do anything to make her feel better. I feel bad right now not being in bed with her but this is something I have to get done. I want these feelings to be here to look back on 10, 20, 50 years from now and remember how we beat cancer.

The blog.

I explained the purpose of the blog in the first post. I have always wanted to keep a blog but never knew of anything I had to say that would be of much interest to anyone. I tried to get Sydney to keep one as well as she loves writing but it fell off the radar rather quickly after a few posts. I would love to have kept a blog for any other reason but this. The domain name hit me rather quickly and it seemed pretty self-explanatory to anyone who visited. I figured it had to be taken already as there had to be some husband who had gone through this and decided to blog his journey through this as well but it was open. When I went to register the domain name I had to type it in to see if it was available. I typed it in. mywifehasbreastcancer.com. Before I could hit the "go" button. There it was in writing. And it hit me like a brick wall. It validated the fact that it is real.

The day after.

No, it wasn't a dream. Dammit. It still hasn't sunk in. Sometimes I would be sitting there and I would get in to a TV show or something on the computer and the thought of it would go away and then when it entered back in my head, it was just like it wasn't real. We stayed somewaht occupied by shooting a commercial for a client that took a few hours out of the day that it wasn't completely the focus of my attention. That was good. Other than that, it was explaining to people what was going on and just trying to spend some good time with the family.

Telling the kids.

3:30 rolled around and it was time to pick up the kids. We decided that it would be best to tell them exactly what was going on and be as straight with them as possible. I figured they would think something was up if I was there picking them up as well but I had to be there. Family was the one comforting thought as we progressed through the day. When the kids got in the car Sydney asked immediately how mommy's doctor appointment went. We told her we would discuss it in a minute, we were going to go to Sonic to get a snack for them and food for Jenn and I as we finally started getting the stomach to down something and not feel like it would come right back up. After the snack we got home and all sat on the couch. We explained that everything wasn't OK as it should be but that it would be OK in time. We said that mommy had breast cancer. Sydney burst in to tears. The kids secretary at school has breast cancer as well so Jenn related it to them by explaining that it was the same situation. The secretary is recovering well so I think that gave them some comfort and gave them something to relate to. I don't think Brendan fully understands what is going on but he knows something isn't right and after we broke our "family meeting" he was right back to playing MVP Baseball on the computer.

What do we do now?

As we got home and sat on the couch in complete silence, we both kind of looked at each other like "what now"? We discussed the options the doctor had presented and Jenn already had it pretty much made up in her mind the route she wanted to take. I told her I would support whatever decision she made, it is her body. It still didn't seem real. We started discussing what would happen, how we were going to tell the kids and how we were going to get through this. We decided that we needed to keep moving on through our daily lives as much as normal as we could, try to keep our minds off of it as best we could by keeping ourselves busy and take whatever punches came at that time. Mostly we just sat there and held each other.